We’ve all done something different as a child that we look back on and tremble. Sometimes it was curiosity, sometimes it was rebellion, and sometimes, it was just pure stupidity. Some people share the stupidest thing they did as a child here. And the results are priceless.
1/20. I peed in the grass in my back yard as a child because I thought my dog would understand me through my urine.
2/20. I tested which was wider, my finger or a staple, by stapling my finger. My finger was wider. Yeah.
3/20. When I was about 6 my mom left me in the bath alone for about 5 minutes while she went and got a towel. I spotted her razor on the counter. I’d seen her shaving her legs and my dad shaving his face, so I just assumed both genders shaved everywhere. I dragged the razor all over my body and face. At the time I didn’t feel anything, all I remember is my mom screaming when she came back in the room and I was covered in blood. I thought she was screaming because she couldn’t believe how grown up I was so I just creepily smiled up at her.
4/20. During a particularly chilly southern California evening, I naturally feared for the comfort of our 7 goldfish. So I did the most logical thing and scooped them out of the fish tank, lined them up on my eldest sister’s pillow, and tucked them in. Really, I don’t know what my family was thinking – their water was so chilly. They could have all gotten colds!
5/20. I was seeing how high up in the air I could throw a brick I found on the road. Brick landed on my back and seriously winded me. I just laid on the floor helpless, gasping for air.
6/20. I wore Superman PJs and jumped off the top landing of the stairs because I thought I could fly.
7/20. When I was little, around 4, I was fascinated with my reflection. I would spend ages looking at myself in any shiny or reflective surface and sometimes press my nose or mouth against it, stupid shit that kids do. One day I was doing so with a big stainless steel pot. I pressed my lips against it to discover that mom was boiling some potatoes. That was not pleasant.
8/20. I went to visit my Pop in hospital, he had a fall. While I was there I noticed a guy in a wheelchair who was getting so much attention from the nurses. I wanted to be [as popular] as him. So I came up with the genius plan that I would get injured and get the attention I craved. So my Mum was reversing out of the driveway. I just laid down with my legs in front of the car. It felt like a shit idea but I just closed my eyes. Next thing I know I heard tires screech. Then my Mum let out this psychotic scream, picked me up and beat the absolute sh*t out of me… Totally deserved it.
9/20. One time I got stuck in a bush in our yard playing by myself. I was unable to get out (flat on my back in the very top of the bush), and resigned myself to fate. I began to contemplate how the rest of my life would playing out with me living in the bush. How would I get dressed for school in the morning? Oh crap, it’s a gym day. Where are my gym clothes?
The stupidity lies in that I thought I would live in the bush forever, and also in that I was making bush life plans that involved me needing to be out of the bush, or ones that would lead to people finding me and obviously rescuing me from the bush.
In re-telling this story, I think I coined the phrase “this is my life now” because that was my thinking as an 8 year old. ‘They’ll call me Bush Boy.”
10/20. We were on vacation in California and I came out of the bathroom to announce to my mother, “Mommy, I didn’t feel well so I ate all the Tylenol!!” Family size bottle. Mom immediately called poison control and started making me puke it up. I think they made an episode of House about it.
11/20. I put a stethoscope in my dogs ears while he was sleeping and screamed into it. I had to get stitches on my neck and the bite marks narrowly missed my eye. Still a barely noticeable scar on my neck but thankfully the dog was alright. Don’t leave stupid kids unsupervised.
12/20. In sixth grade, I thought I was friends with my social studies teacher. I shouted out comments (answers, jokes, whatever) in class without raising my hand and I thought I was a big hit because he never told me not to. I was insufferable, I’m sure. One day he starts to tell the class that his wife is coming in the speak to the class and I interrupt with a very clever joke: “You’re married? What is your wife blind or something? Hahahah”. His face falls and he just straight up leaves the room. He comes back in after a moment, and is visibly upset. Apparently he needed to collect himself, because he says “As I was saying, my wife is coming in to speak with the class about the struggles of the disabled. She’s blind.” I’ve never felt like a bigger asshole.
13/20. My friend and I used to pretend we were dogs, kneel on the ground and slurp water out of puddles.
14/20. I was maybe 5 at the time. I thought it was stupid that you had to take off a shirt to iron it. So I grabbed the hot iron that my mom stepped away from for a second, and slowly started bringing it to my chest. Then I dropped it on my foot and cut it open/burned it. That was not a fun day.
15/20. When I was in the first grade we had story time at the end of every day. During one particular story time the urge to use the bathroom hit me and I put my hand up. The teacher ignored this. So i got a little frightened as the feeling was creeping on me fast (many years later I would discover this feeling is called touching cloth) and I wiggled and strained to be noticed. The teacher simply said, “Jack be quiet, it is story time”.. I couldn’t even squeak out a “but” in defiance. So I sat there, in misery, I knew what was coming and there was no stopping it. I sat there, surrounded by my grade 1 peers and shit myself.. I remember the hot sensation filling my pants and I remember physically rising off the ground in a weird, jaunty motion as my own fecal matter came between myself and the floor.. Literally two minutes later the story was finished and we had to go home. My mother was waiting in the school yard to take me home and I kinda waddled over to her crying and when she asked what was wrong I leaned in and quietly told her how i needed to poo but the teacher wouldn’t let me go.. My mother grabbed my hand and said “right then”. She stormed off towards my classroom and with her grasping my hand tightly I had no choice but to follow, all the while crap was leaking out of my underwear and down my pant legs. We got to my classroom and my mother let my teacher have it! I had never heard her say words like that ever. It would have been great, if I didn’t have shit in my shoes. Fun times were had by all…
16/20. Was trying to be cool and rolled up dried grass into a piece of printer paper, and tried to smoke it. That didn’t turn out well…
17/20. I threw a rock at a car. The car stopped. My mother stepped out and grounded me.
18/20. One day when I was six I was in the garden playing on the swing. My friend and I had got into an argument about whether I was a cat or a human. So I promptly stood up on the swing and jumped off headfirst, with every faith that I would somehow land gracefully on all fours like a cat. Instead I broke my arm. And that was the day I learned that I am not a cat.
19/20. When I was 5 or 6, I knew that I shouldn’t drink out of a sick person’s cup or I’ll get sick too. So whenever my mom or dad got sick and they asked me to fetch them a glass of water, I’d secretly lick the whole top of the cup so they’d get better when they drink it because my healthy saliva is supposed to heal any sickness.
20/20. Thanksgiving morning, I was 14. We were playing football in the park. We were goofing around between games, and my cousin yelled “think fast!” and threw the football in my direction from my periphery. I turned, and the ball hit me right between the eyes. I was so pissed, I chased him down and took a swipe to trip him as he ran away. He jumped to avoid my foot, and, as furious as I was by that point, I kicked as hard as I could. I got him with the top of my foot right on that hard spot below his kneecap. I wound up breaking two bones in each of my three outside toes (compound in third and fourth toes), two other toe bones, and four bones in my foot.